Smash & Grab

asking for it

David Cameron took a huge bunch of lying cunts to India and dished out invitations to take over. "Britain needs your rupees! No need to come in the back of a van, you won't even have to integrate and it's all there waiting for you on a great big fuck off plate". 

The Untouchables

WANTED! 

With the Pope refusing to die in office there was no chance of any cunt losing their job in the UK as public sector shit always take the piss. But PM David Cameron denied any wrong doing by those poncing off the rest of us "Britain does not reward failure we fund all those who can get in".

Treated Like Dirt

'Bring Back Matron'

David Cameron declared the Labour Government 'not guilty' for killing over 1200 patients at Stafford NHS Hospital by socialist cunts armed with university degrees. Licking Dave's rim Ed Miliband thanked the PM "we musn't blame the nurses either as most of them don't speak any English".

Money No Object

grateful democratic Libya

As Britain edged closer to broke the liberal piss that run the country has borrowed £30billion to spend on a fucking train and even more on another wife beaters hole. David Cameron defended his plans "HS2 is needed for all the Labour voting shit up North, and by sticking our oar in Mali we get to pay for French fuck ups too".

Take Your Pick

'No-Go' Area

David Cameron pretended he wants out the EU while he begs to stay in "I will suck that much French & German cock we can fuck off the result". But the Labour party slammed the right to vote as racist "we won't be able to flood your town with shit from Europe so we'll do it with Tower Hamlets cunts instead".

Pond Life

'round them up'

Another mass trial of sunni shit meant Brits can sleep soundly knowing them cunts will be deported after their soft sentence. So no need to 'lock up your daughters' because in the UK our police and politicians make sure we're all safe from imports who outstay their fucking welcome.

Truth Be Told

laughing at you  

With MPs recommending themselves a 32% pay rise the coalition of Cameron & Clegg decided now was a good time to review pledges whilst stroking each others cock. "We're still pouring your money into sluts breeding piss and still covering up for the Police & the BBC in the Jimmy Savile shit".

Washington Redskins

nearly

Barack Obama avoided the fiscal shit guaranteeing more Hawaiian holidays for himself and that fat cow wife of his. "The European Union leads the world in pissing away public money and we must do the same. They have a magic money tree and we must get one too. God Bless America here's some tax hikes because like every cunt socialist I spend it better than you".

Something For Nothing

"Happy New Year Slaves!"

As MP's gorged on yuletide festivities for fucking free their mates and those who scrounged money for medals got even more off you and me. No crap Christmas for those who plunder and loot us all. More laws, more taxes and more shit in 2013 from them 650 cunts if you don't play ball.

Pigs In Blankets

Happy Christmas

A Met Police plot to force the Tories out & install their Labour Party paymasters into power was found out to be completely true. All the lying fucking shit that swell the ranks to bursting admitted they love fitting people up "we're not called cunts for nothing we'll do anybody over except for muslims we always let them off".

Married With Children

good grief

Fat old sauna queen Keith Vaz demanded compensation for families of immigrants who commit suicide. "British people must take the blame for those who hang themselves". Ed Miliband outlined Labours plan to herd in more "somalis, roma & groomers with beards, have no fear we want you to come shit on Mr & Mrs White still living here". 

UK Uncut

'head & shoulders'

With his Autumn Statement George Osborne promised lots of cuts and gave all the parasites a 1% pay rise. But massive cunt Ed Balls claimed the increase was austerity and would hurt slags, islamics & all the other shit Labour let in "Britain needs these people as we'll have no one to vote for us and nothing to piss away your money on".

Scum of the Earth

carrier

As socialist shit screamed for more censorship their leader Ed Miliband said "we support Leveson's Law, we will regulate everyone & everything". And all the thick cunts in Rotherham, Middlesbrough & Croydon agreed 'yes please Ed, we love being told what to do, fuck victims of muslim rape, we always vote for you'.

Done Deal

#askboris

Eastern European scavs were moaning the loss of free everything as David Cameron came away from the EU budget piss take pretending he'd tried really hard to keep our money away from them cunts, "peasants in Europe need our homes and jobs more than we do so we'll return in January to completely fuck ourselves over".

Great Britain

class

All the lefty cunts were loving it this week as their favourite muslim Abu Qatada won the right to a bigger house and as much money as he can cope with. Home Secretary Theresa May vowed to send him packing one day real soon, "I got rid of some last month so only five million to go now".

You Get What You Pay For

W ednesday

T hursday

F riday

With public enquiries & fucking nonces everywhere David Cameron decided to blame Twitter but by the end of the week none of his mates were in the frame after all. The BBC and greedy fat socialist cunt Tom Watson promised renewed bullshit to link Margaret Thatcher to "we won't give up, we'll study every blog till we find something".

Wonderland

double your money

twice as much 

Mighty eurosceptic David Cameron was so furious at losing a commons vote allowing him to rob us even more, he vowed to completely ignore it. Mouth wrapped round EU cock he promised them cunts 'more spends for socialist fuck'. But the Parliamentary Labour Party spoke and declared "we're just as full of shit as you and we've just as many Lord McAlpine's too!"

USA Today

'Operation Block Vote'

During the final US Presidential debate, Barack Obama promised islamists across the globe loads more licking of their medieval fucking shit and plenty more tax dollars to go with it. "Vote for me and I will fight to ensure every American family gets free food & y'all wishing you'd voted for some other cunt".

All In It Together

'sick & twisted'

Labour Party mouthpiece the BBC were this week trying to cover up the fact they keep paedophile rapists in luxury lifestyles that taxpayers are forced to fund or go to jail. The Director General denied Jimmy Savile proved what a bunch of lying thieving fucking cunts they are "nobody here knew least of all those of us who kissed his ring for six decades".

Basket Case

con job

With UK prisons filling up by the hour Foreign Secretary William Hague demanded the right to freedom of expression in pakistan. But that lot living here were too busy benefitting to give a shit over the shooting of a 14 year old girl by their very own taliban. So no flag burning, no screaming for fatwa, no shouting for jihad & no outrage for them to give a flying fuck about this week.

One Nation

'one party one state'

As all the thieving cunts in the land gathered at the annual Labour Party Conference, Leader Ed Miliband wanked off for over an hour guaranteeing he will tax & spend every fucking penny you've got. Wet with excitement Ed promised the Police anything they want, all new arrivals the red carpet and the rest of us the third world.

Bow and Scrape

Community Leader

After Barack Obama apologised to islamic scum at the UN this week fellow socialists at Rochdale Council and their mates the Police made up a pile of shit over why they do fucking nothing when young white girls get raped by pakistani men. Both denied the cover up was all about kissing muslim arse as the report clearly shows they've been sucking their cocks too.

What Goes Around....

day off

normal service resumed 

With two officers blown away this week, Police called for the death penalty for cop killers because they think they're better than the rest of us. A crackdown on tweeters, facebookers & piss takers who thought they got what was coming was well underway. Fat bastard for the Manchester Militia said "free speech is dead because we're cunts like that".

No Win No Fee

dead   

buried

Following publication of the 'Hillsborough Cover Up' claimants in Liverpool demanded loads of money from the rest of us because 96 of their mates got squashed by a stampede of South Yorkshire Bizzies 23 years ago. Statements show the police altered their usual cuntery 164 times and nobody fucking noticed. Just to take the piss the Chief Constable and 10 Home Secretaries never did either.

Hands That Do Dishes

'Mammy-In-Chief' 

As David Cameron shuffled the shit in his cabinet the USA had to stomach First Lady Michelle Obama bleating on about her bullshit poverty. The anti-American lard arse told the socialist party of America 'I deserve a second term because I'm so far up myself I piss perfume and I want you all to drink it too'.

Going For Gold

special needs 

While most MPs were on their 47 day summer break Deputy PM Nick Clegg was in his element at the Paralympic Games where he was truly inspired to dream up new window licking for the coalition. Asked if he was going to compete in any of the events the Lord President of the Council dribbled 'the rich should pay more tax so we get to spend more on wind farms and fucking shit like this'.